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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
it`s friday o clock
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.