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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.