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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?