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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.