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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
make little things count. teach midgets math.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.