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I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.