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I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.