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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
My inner child is a drunken whore
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!