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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Indecisiveness is just mental constipation.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.