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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
You can´t trust dogs to watch your food.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.