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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(