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Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...