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This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
A man made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind ... And now, we wait...
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, my first reaction is to get in line.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice