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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?