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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.