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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?