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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.