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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.