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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Remember when the world ended last year?
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject