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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.