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Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
If you´re cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
I`ve always wondered is jellyfish are sad because there are no peanut butter fish.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?