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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.