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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear