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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC