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Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I dig, she digs, he digs, they dig, we dig. its not a good poem but its really deep.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?