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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don`t want breakfast.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."