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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.