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What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.