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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.