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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.