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Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.