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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Maybe teenagers just aren`t strong enough yet to remove the sticker from their hat
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.