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You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!