Daily Silly Status

When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.

I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.

Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.

Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"

times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."

Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."

There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.

I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.

Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.

Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra

I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.

Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven

If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?

If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.