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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!