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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.