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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.