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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.