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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
take me drunk i`m home
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
My brain has too many tabs open.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.