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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.