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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team