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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.