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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..