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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!