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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.