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Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
If you`re wondering why you`re single, date someone. You`ll remember
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
never tell a lie...unless it is true
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.