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If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."