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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.