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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.