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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
The only technique I`ve mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.