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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
If you`ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you`ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.