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To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I flunked anger management class.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
The problem with today`s children is that today`s parents are idiots.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.