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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
I didn`t come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.