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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
When I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say,, “You’re in charge while I’m gone.”
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!