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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
TEIAM - problem solved
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
For the love of God, single people, stop looking for love or you`ll end up married.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
My parents say I was an unplanned child, which probably explains why my life isn`t going to plan.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.