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Will be drunk until further notice.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.