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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store