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169 is still a sex position, but with a creepy guy watching.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem