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Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
i feel naked without my mobile !
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook