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I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.