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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.