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I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.