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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I would gladly believe in a religion that gives me free pizza and says people who squeeze the toothpaste tube from the center go to hell.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."