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I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after