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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.