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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
insert coin to view my status
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button