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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...