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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
In space they just call it "Jam"
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.