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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?