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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!