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Great. Trapped in an elevator with a dead body again. Well not exactly dead yet but he`s making noises with his gum
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids