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Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.