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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
Drink till she´s cute, but stop before the wedding
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.