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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I`m pretty sure all dogs can smell drugs. It`s just that most of them aren`t snitches.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.