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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Keep calm and drink on.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.