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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.