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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.