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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere "Hold my purse."
Scientist Proved That There are more Than 124786534688644478 People Living In This world who are Too Lazy To Read The Above Number...!!!
The only thing I`ve learned from my mistakes is that I make a whole bunch of them
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.