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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Iām giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
when in Rome get naked ;)
This isn`t a bakery. We don`t sugarcoat sh!t
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.