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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.