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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.