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Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
I just threw up my weekend.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.