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Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.