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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.