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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
Shaving your head is the "You can`t fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.