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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Save some time and just put your Taco Bell directly in the toilet.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.