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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.