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"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)