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All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.