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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them