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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.