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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.