Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking