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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Finally did it. 25 inflatable mattresses later and I’ve finally turned my apartment into a bounce castle.
ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.