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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-ass".
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.