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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver