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It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/