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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"