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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.