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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.