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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.