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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
Everything I know about women, I learned from the Wizard of Oz. For example: If a woman sees a pair of shoes she wants, she`ll drop a house on the bitch to get them.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.