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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
I should come with a warning label.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.