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I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
It`s so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people`s heads.
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
When someone wants to talk behind your back, FART!
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"