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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever