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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
We get it poets: things are like other things
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
My life is loosely based on a true story.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!