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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.