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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?