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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.