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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.