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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.