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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
You look like I need another drink
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)