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"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.