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What a terrible day. I`m going to drive through puddles & splash pedestrians to make myself feel better,
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
I`m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...