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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.