Daily Silly Status

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.

I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."

I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?

I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.

Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure

How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?

Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .

The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.

When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.

Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.