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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....