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Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen