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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.