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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.