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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
You are wasting your time reading this status.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.