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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Some people say I`m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you`re fired"
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.