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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.