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Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?