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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
You look like I need another drink
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.