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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.
Some people should come with subtitles.