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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Somewhere in America, a woman has a baby every 47 minutes. We`ve got to find this woman and stop her!
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself "him".