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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.