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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.