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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.