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OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.