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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
Some people should come with subtitles.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.