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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.