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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog poo was upset the name "shampoo" was taken
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%