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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
Famous words from Fergie... "Boom Boom Pow!" Happy 4th of July!!
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.