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I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.