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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.