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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
Mondays aren`t so bad... it`s my job that sucks.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I heard recently on the radio that, "If a man looks at womens breasts for 10 mins a day he will add 5 years to his life".. Can anyone confirm this?!! If so what are we waiting for?