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figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.