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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
Just finished my first book yesterday. 450 pages. Man, that was a lot of coloring...
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.