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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.