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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
Tieam... problem solved
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps