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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
i am not so think, as you drunk i am
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.