Daily Silly Status

I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.

I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.

Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...

can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.

I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.

Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones

I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...

BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.

You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.

I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".

Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights

When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."

I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.