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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control