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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.