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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.