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Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.