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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.