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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.