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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?