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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I try not to limit my madness to March.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.