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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.