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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman’s mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. F*cking. Time.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...