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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They`er so warm and cozy, and it`s fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Roses are red and sometimes they`re thorny, when I think of you, I get really ...............
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes