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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me