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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.