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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Marriage is for quitters
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.